Your Relationship with Yourself

There are multiple popular phrases and quotes that highlight the importance of our relationship with ourselves. “The most important relationship you have is the one with yourself”, “everywhere you go, there you are”, and “your relationship with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship you have” to name a few.

Many different therapeutic modalities also reflect this concept. Narrative therapy focuses on the stories we tell ourselves and others. Internal family systems and inner child work is majorly focused on beliefs we have developed about ourselves, ways we have learned to protect ourselves, and how we have learned to treat ourselves. Psychodynamic theory also talks about how we view ourselves and protect ourselves with different defenses. A common thread in mental health and healing is our relationship with ourselves.

Now I want to be clear that this article is not meant to encourage hyper independence. We heal in relationship, and being with others is integral to our health. Human beings are social creatures; this is an innate aspect of our species. Everywhere humans have been they have communicated with each other, connected, and created communities. As babies and children, we need our parents and communities to take care of us so that we can survive. Our relationships with ourselves are so intertwined with our upbringings, our culture, and the world around us. And from our experiences we develop certain beliefs around who we are and what we can be. Our beliefs about ourselves then shape how we interact with others and the world: the relationships we choose, who we feel we are meant to be to people, what we deserve, how to stay safe, etc. What parts of me feel acceptable and which don’t? Why? Who do I have to be to belong and be loved? What do I believe about myself and who I am in the world? How do I treat myself when I am in pain?

Regardless of your answers to these questions, I am sure they completely make sense in the context of your circumstances. You did what you needed to survive, and with the knowledge and experience you had at the time. Maybe it’s been messy and not quite the way you would hope. But you are here. You got yourself here with what you knew. And you are capable of learning and growing and choosing different ways to relate.

You are the one who has been with you your whole life and who will continue to be with you your whole life. You are the one who chooses to get help, who chooses to be curious, who has survived in the ways you have known how. Give yourself credit for how much you have done to be here today! And know you can continue to grow and learn. You will be the one who will continue to be here for you for the rest of your life. Nurture this precious, special, and important relationship.